Jezebel

...thinks I'm pretty, and also a bitch. I once had a cat named Jezebel, and it was the spawn of Satan. Just sayin'.

Overheard at Culinary School, Day 3

Chef Cheryl: Hey Jessica, do you like that thumb? I hope not, because you're about to chop it off.

I did not mangle my thumb, but I did a really awesome job of mangling some zucchini while attempting to tourner it, and by awesome I mean it looked like a blind person did it.

Given my propensity toward self-injury, let's play a game. This is week two of culinary school, and the program goes for ten months. Leave your guesses as to when you think I'll significantly cut and/or burn myself in the comments. The closest guess gets a Rachael Ray cookbook. Yes, I have one and no, I didn't actually pay money for it.

Results

Well, the bad news is I can't sue anyone for millions of doctors for infecting me with Hepatitis C during a routine medical procedure. And I'll have to scrap the "My Life With Hepatitis C" (working title) memoir I was planning.

But the good news? No Hepatitis C! Which means now I, and the hypochondriatic forces that guide me, can stop freaking the fuck out.

Culinary School: Day 2

Saturday was my first real day of class.

First we had a lecture about sanitation. This may sound boring, but it was actually pretty interesting. I learned, for example, that you can catch Hepatitis from raw shellfish, and that rice and beans are the buffet items most likely to make you sick. Who knew? Well, Chef Barbara, my instructor, who has many tattoos, is hilarious and frequently yelled at me for holding my Japanese knife improperly, did, but I didn't.

We practiced Japanese knife skills, and I learned that I have many bad knife habits that will need to be broken, especially the one where I rest my pointer finger on top of the knife. The class next store was making ice cream, which was kind of annoying because they were using our freezer and kept coming in to get things, disrupting our lectures, but in the end, we got to eat all their ice cream, which was delicious. The French vanilla had rosemary in it, which I thought would be disgusting, but it was actually quite good.

I'm always pretty bad when I'm put on the spot, and when the teacher said, "Jessica, why shouldn't you peel vegetables over a garbage can?" I nervously said, "Because you'll cut yourself! Wait, no! Because you could drop everything into the garbage!" And she said, "And then what would happen?" And I said, "It would get dirty! And um, then you wouldn't be able to use it!" I am so smooth.

Last night, I got to practice my knife skills when I whipped up a bacon and leek risotto for AZ and Suzanne. AZ made a chicken, mango and coconut salad, which was both healthy and delicious and I would like to eat it for lunch every day. Suzanne brought cupcakes from Sugar Sweet Sunshine, which were heavenly as always. We watched Alpha Dog, which, despite the overwhelming hotness of Justin Timberlake, was not good. Also, I read that JT didn't study acting prior to the film because he felt he learned everything he needed to know about acting while on the Mickey Mouse Club. That assumption was wrong. Also, they dressed him like a grandpa in Boca Raton.

New Semi-Daily Blog Feature

So, instead of just IMing these to Curly every day, I'm going to post them here. Well, not EVERY day, but most days. "Unintentionally Funny CNN.com Headlines." Here's today's:

Man ticketed for riding wheelchair in road

Now, for some news outrage. A nebraska judge has banned the word "rape" from being used in rape trials. His alternative? Sex. As a former domestic violence and sexual assault survivor advocate, I really can't wrap my head around something as horrible as a woman who's been raped having to, not only go through a trial, but to have to describe what happened to her in terms that imply it was consensual. The best part? The jury isn't told about the ban. Our justice system is just awesome. The whole story is here. (Via Femisting)

On a lighter note, I ate nachos for breakfast today. Twice. Working from home rules.

Culinary School: Day 1

Last night was my first cooking class. Nothing terribly exciting to report -- it was orientation, there are 11 of us in my group, everyone seems nice, backgrounds stem from a chronically ill woman who has devoted her life to healing through diet to a vegan electrical engineer who thought it would be cool to do something creative. We had to do a getting to know you game where we had categories and had to walk around and find someone who fit each category. People wrote me down for "native New Yorker" and "enjoys baking." We got our lockers, books, calendars and kitchen assignments for Saturday. I'm on refrigerators. This is going to be fairly awesome, I'm guessing.

Oh, and I bought pink Crocs for the kitchen. Don't judge.

Celeb Talk With Jess and Curly

Matthew McConaughey:

Me: TMZ has Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson surfing together, and they described it as a "bromantic" afternoon. I love it.

Curly: Does Matthew act anymore? Or does he just exercise with other celebrities? Is that his job now?

.Me: He's filming a surfer movie.

Curly: That's the perfect word.

Me: I hope Lance Armstrong is okay with being dumped. I'm pretty sure MM is a serial bronogomist.

Ryan Phillipe:

Me: Rryan Phillipe? Not a great actor. He's wooden and mumbly.

Curly: He has one face: dour.

Me: One exception: Cruel Intentions

Curly: Yeah, it worked for him there. I never saw Gosford Park, but from what I understand, he didn't suck in it. Oh, and he was good in Crash, too, but he only had a small role.

Me: I think he was "capable" in crash. I think any decent actor could have pulled off that role.

Curly: Yes. it was well written. It's the Tess McGill theory. Melanie Griffith sucks, but she got an Oscar nomination for Working Girl because it was well written and directed by Mike Nichols. Who is a God.

Prince:

Me: Wow, Prince went by that stupid symbol for 6 years.

Curly: He did?! I thought it was more like 7 months. Who knew?

Me: I'm writing an article about Prince and how much he loves the number 7. Hm, what's the HTML code for that symbol, you think? For when I build it?

Curly: &pretense;

Best. Video. Ever.

If you're a regular reader of Go Fug Yourself, then you know who Bai Ling is. If not, kindly click on her name and get acquainted, and then come back and watch this video, which is Bai Ling doing some sort of herky-jerky hip-hop routine at porn star Mary Carey's birthday party, which is followed by her dirty dancing with a little person. It doesn't just sound like the greatest thing ever, it truly is. Also, I tuned in every week to watch Ms. Ling on that short-lived celeb reality show But Can They Sing? If you didn't, boy, did you miss out. She is the most delightfully crazy person on Earth.

Shameless Plug

Hey there! Have you been reading your MySpace horoscopes? You should! Here's why:

• Rick Levine writes the daily horoscopes, and they are freakishly accurate
• My job success is dependant upon the page doing well
• You will learn valuable information in the "Deeper Look" section, which is written by moi

So go. Now. I mean it.

Fingers Crossed

Just dropped off my paperwork for a massive two-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn, with its very own dining room and living room and a kitchen unlike the one I have now in that it is an actual kitchen and not just a few appliances pushed into the corner of a tiny living room. There is a backyard which I am not allowed to use, which is not ideal, but at the same time, I'll be a block away from Prospect Park, which I will not walk around in late at night. I will also have a porch, and the second bedroom will be my office and craft room, which is almost unbelievable considering I've spent eight years in a shoebox in Manhattan, and not even a shoebox that would accommodate a pair of boots.

It took me the better part of the weekend to decide that I actually wanted it, and now that I've decided, I really, really want it, and will be very sad if someone else ends up living there. Well, until the next place comes along, anyway.

NY1 Minute

So, if you live in new York and watch NY1, you probably heard about the unidentified doctor who gave Hepatitis C to a few patients.

Yeah, so I got a letter yesterday from the Department of Health because I got a colonoscopy from said doctor in 2004. So I have to go get tested for Hepatitis Fucking C next Wednesday.

Chances are, I'm okay. The infections identified happened in 2006, and apparently people got Hepatitis B, too, which I tested negative for, and was vaccinated against, before I went to Belize, and that's way easier to contract. (Thanks, Meg!)

But I can tell you one thing. That doctor is never sticking anything in my ass again.

My Office

Clearly I need to work on this whole discipline thing, because I should probably actually sleep in my bed one of these nights.

Regarding Drugs

Can we talk about drugs for a minute?

I'm neither experienced nor an expert in drugs. I've been a pothead at various points in my life, mainly during high school, college and my last long-term relationship. I tried one half of an ecstasy pill once, and can count the number of times I've tried shrooms on one hand. That's about it. I've always avoided the stuff I figured I'd like too much -- heroin, for example, and the stuff that would make me higher strung than I already am, i.e. cocaine.

This morning, I read this story on CNN, about "cheese heroin," and how it's killing kids all over Dallas. First of all, you know you're getting old when you see a headline that references a drug and you don't actually know what it is. Second of all, listen to what this drug is, if like me, you aren't up to speed on what the kids are putting into their bodies these days.

"Cheese heroin" is a blend of so-called black tar Mexican heroin and crushed over-the-counter medications that contain the antihistamine diphenhydramine, found in products such as Tylenol PM, police say. The sedative effects of the heroin and the nighttime sleep aids make for a deadly brew.

Okay, seriously? Whatever happened to a six-pack of Meister Brau and a joint? A six-pack of Meister Brau and a joint was actually fun. Cheese heroin does not sound like fun. It sounds like a few hours of sitting on the floor drooling on yourself. Why can't today's kids drop acid? Sniff gasoline? Suck nitrous out of a whipped cream can? (Julie and I used to lock ourselves in the cooler at the nursing home we worked at and do the latter. And it was fun! Funner than cheese heroin! And it made it extra hilarious when Hazel at Table 9's glass eye would pop out and she'd start screaming!)

I'm hoping that the drugs of my youth come back into vogue. Not only are the drugs kids are mixing up today super-deadly, but they also sound like an awful time. And if that's not a good enough reason not to do them, than I don't know what is.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get off my soapbox and go snort some Ritalin before I start work. Kidding!

Working From Home, Day One

Today I:

• Did not shower


• Forgot to eat lunch


• Neglected to work on my abs, due to waking up approximately five minutes before I was required to be "at work"


• Stepped in cat puke


• Got a home visit from the creepy, toothless old man who has been sexually harassing me for the better part of eight years


• Had to resort to stealing Internet from a neighbor because my wireless network doesn't like my new work laptop


• Lost my TV remote, thus hampering my plan of keeping NY1 on in the background until I've heard each story enough times to make me feel a little crazy


• Listened to some Sage Francis


• After much deliberation, decided I liked The Sopranos series finale.


• Delved deep into Paris Hilton's past lives in an attempt to explain why she's so wretched

I'm sure I'll get this working-from-home thing down at some point. Cat puke and toothless, smelly (Did I mention he's also smelly? Because he is) old men aside, this is the happiest I've been in ages.

In the Meantime

Awhile back, my buddy Zach said that while he certainly wanted me to meet a nice young man and be happy, he worried that the blog would suffer. And well, that's just what happened. But I'll be starting the new old job next week, and I'll be working from home, which means HILARIOUS cat stories. Plus, cooking school starts this month, so I'll have that for material. For now, go listen to my brother's band on MySpace. Now. Do it. I mean it. Or no HILARIOUS cat stories for you.