Let's Go to the Video Tape

Here are the latest "Idol" videos making the rounds:

Wonder Twin Powers -- Activate! Form of a Tard! Shape of a Schlub!
Wow, dude. This chick does a better Taylor than Taylor does Taylor. I don't know if I should be scared or impressed. A little bit of both, I think.

A Tanked-up Paula Tries in Vain to Tout Her Trinkets on QVC
Judging from the looks of things, Paula's been taking a few too many swigs of the old jewelry cleaner, if you catch my meaning. I'm talkin' 'bout the hooch, people.

KMcPhee Takes a Powter
YouTuber tynews2001 compiled a nice "Bad Day" montage for Katharine McPhee since she never got her own tribute in the wake of Taylor's coronation. There's a little too much of him in it for my liking but then again, even a brief glimpse of the man is enough to send me over the edge. Favorite part? Kat's giddy reaction to a smooch from Paula.

Bad Mistakes, He's Made a Few
William Hung serenades the contestants of "The World's Biggest Loser" with Queen's "We Are the Champions." Wait, doesn't he claim that he has, and I quote, "No time for losers"? What's gives, Hung? Pick a side and then stick with it.

The 'Idol' Addict's Withdrawal Diary: Week One

Subject: Curly McDimple

Length of withdrawal: Day 1/Week 1

Comments/Observations:

8:00 PM EST: Subject observed seeming slightly forlorn and confused.

8:15 PM EST: Subject observed theorizing about what this week's theme would be if the program were still running.

8:20 PM EST: Subject observed downloading low-grade, poor-quality mp3s and compiling them into an iTunes playlist.

8:30 - 8:45 PM EST: Subject observed listening to and offering three separate critiques at the end of each song.

Note: Multiple personalities formed during this period. One possesses an English accent; one is prone to the overuse of colloquial expressions such as "dawg" and "'aight"; the third personality speaks in tongues.

8:46 PM EST: Subject observed arguing with herself.

8:47 PM EST: Subject observed threatening to "walk if [Subject] doesn't let me finish my sentence."

8:47 PM EST: Subject observed assuming a fourth personality and cracking wise about the contents of the plastic cup situated in front of Subject.

8:51 PM EST: Subject observed pausing for "a word from our sponsors" citing "We have some bills to pay" as the reason.

8:54 PM EST: Subject observed returning from commercial break.

8:55 PM EST: Subject observed instructing "viewers" to call various phone numbers with an 866 prefix.

8:55 PM EST: Subject observed reminding "the folks at home" to "tune in tomorrow for the results show" and urging them to "stick around for 'Prison Break.'"

8:59 PM EST: Subject observed exclaiming, "[Subject] out!" and dimming studio apartment lights.

9:00 PM EST: Subject observed stubbing toe in tiny, darkened apartment and uttering a profanity.

Digest This!

Even though the "Idol" news is rather light this week, I don't have the time or energy to gather up links like I usually do. So you guys are just going to have to deal with a half-assed summary. And you'll like it. No? Wanna fight?

Okay, so basically Taylor's been tarding his way through the talk shows while Kat's been doing her damnedest to seem gracious and act like it doesn't matter that she lost. Very nice.

Kat's mother, on the other hand? Well, let's just say that the hills of Sherman Oaks are alive with the sound of Mama McPhee screeching a rage-filled version of "Peisha's Turn" in between tugs on the old Grey Goose.

Ha ha. I love when I can work a mixed theater reference into a good "Yo mama's an alcoholic" joke.

Meanwhile, Ryan and Randy made a joint appearance on "Larry King Live" and revealed that Taylor's margin of victory was in the double digits. Ouch. No doubt Randy managed to squeeze in references to Journey, Mariah Carey and every other artist he's ever called "dawg" before the hour was up.

Fuck you, Randy.

Taylor's abominable single, "Do I Make You Proud" drops on June 13. Ew, I said, "drops." What brought that on? But anyway, you know what else drops? A deuce. To the same ill-smelling effect as Taylor's song, I might add.

Ha ha. I love when I can work a good poop reference into a "Yo American Idol's a retard" joke.

Oh! One of the items not mentioned in our finale recap was the surprise appearance of the illustrious Prince. Personally, I thought it was hilarious that he turned on his tiny wee heel and walked -- with multitudes of 'tude, mind you -- off the stage as Seacrest approached.

Oh, that Prince! He's always good for a brilliant performance and a bitchy dis. And, um, introducing the term "sugar walls" into my vocabulary.

However, that tart-tongued Englishman, Simon Cowell, didn't find the Purple One's deed nearly as funny as I did. In fact, he recently told "Extra"'s Terri Seymour that he thinks Prince is, as his fellow Brits might say, a right wanker.

Cowell also added that Clay Aiken's hair was "hideous" and that Paula Abdul should step in and choreograph the dance routines next season.

Clay's hair was most definitely a fright. I'm on board with Cowell on that point but I don't know if I agree with him about the Paula thing. Yes, she's a brilliant choreographer but giving her a task like that might actually make her -- gasp! -- focus and channel her energies into something positive. That's just not right. I'm enjoying her downward spiral so just you leave well enough alone, Cowell. I mean it. Don't fuck with the freak show.

Photo: FOX

Paraphrased Words of Wisdom

From last night's 'Late Show' monologue:

"So I was watching the 'American Idol' and a thought occured to me midway through: Is Ryan Seacrest really necessary?"

-- David Letterman

That's right Seacrest! You got served!

Overheard on the Upper East Side

Jess and I gathered with our good friend Angelina tonight to watch the final festivities. We were all aflutter at the thought of Katharine McPhee pulling off an upset and sending Taylor Hicks and his harmonica packing. No such luck. Sigh.

But some good came out of it. Jess got to swoon over Bucky. Angelina and I continued to admire KMcPhee's rack. So it worked out.

Other impressions: We were all in agreement that Melissa McGhee got a raw deal and was voted off far too early. That girl's got a set of pipes on her!

We concurred that Lisa Tucker, despite her unfortunate eyeshadow choices, is positively gorgeous. And wee Paris Bennett? Well, she's still creepy, but most assuredly going places.

Say, speaking of creepy, we awaited the Kevin Covais "What's New Pussycat?" performance with equal parts morbid curiosity and sheer dread. We had an idea it was coming thanks to Jess's earlier scoop and our fears did not prove unfounded. That shit was frightening. ::shudder::

But Covais wasn't the night's only ear-splitting weirdo. In fact, the whole show was off-kilter. More than once, we shrieked, "What the fuck was that?" It was quite possibly the strangest two hours of television I've ever seen. And I grew up watching Krofft Superstars, folks, so that's saying a lot.

I could proceed with a blow-by-blow recap but, well, I don't feel like it. Instead, I will leave you with a few of the gems we uttered, screamed and spat during the bizarre broadcast:

"Wait, did she just say that Jesus told her to get gas? Was this before or after he took the wheel?"

"If Jesus could remind me when I'm running low on cat food, that would be awesome."

"Al Jarreau? I thought he was dead. Oh wait, no. That's Lou Rawls. Nevermind."

"Why is Al Jarreau always banging on himself?"

"That Dionne Warwick is looking a little Crypt Keeper nowadays."

"Do we blame Bobby Brown for Whitney's downfall?"
"Nope. She's from Newark."

"Ew. Whose favorite band is fucking Live?!?!"

"Dude, that's the gayest shirt I've ever seen."

"Mandisa, of all people, should NEVER sing about making dresses out of feed bags."

"Why does he have an afro underneath that hat?"

"Don't pump the Black Power fist, Taylor. That is so NOT a part of the Soul Patrol."

"Wow, Meatloaf sounds like one of the audition rejects. Where's his Golden Idol?"

"McPhee's all 'I don't want to touch your hankie, Meatloaf.' Oh but there she goes... and I now feel that she's dirty for having done it."

"Toni Braxton sounds terrible and she's wearing a nightgown, but that weave is FIERCE."

"Is it just me or does Toni Braxton sound just like that dude who did the bad Cher impersonation?"

"I think [the Mary J. Blige/Elliott Yamin duet] is my favorite part of the show. You know, either that or the two Prince twins about to make out."

"Oh my God! Is he... crying?! THE HOFF IS CRYING!"

And that's Season Five, folks. But don't go away! We'll still be here to keep you current on 'Idol' news, gossip and all that other mindless filler you've come to know and love. AND! Your illustrious "American Midol" bloggers will be hitting the L.I.E. in July to see the American Idols Live at Nassau Coliseum. Stay tuned for a madcap recap.

Photo: FOX

10:05 PM EST

SOUL MOTHERFUCKING PATROL BITCHES!!

8:46 PM EST

I can't think of anything worse than Katharine McPhee and Meatloaf singing together. If there is such a thing as Hell, then that was it.

Addendum: Kevin Covais singing "What's New Pussycat" must be ONE of the circles of Hell.

The End is Nigh

This is funny.

Once in awhile McPuke shows a glimmer of humility. Last night I could see how nervous she was and how hard she was trying to do well. I felt a twingle of affection for her. A twinge. My twinge was quickly snuffed out when she again appealed to her McFans and then the KAT PACK.

Did anyone see how Ryan Seacrest totally blew off Chris Daughtry? Ha. That made me laugh. I am over Daughtry. I think all of the finalists were there. I saw Pickler with a new hairdo and dumb Ace with his fricken stick-up-his-ass gleaming smile. I was delighted when I spotted Bucky in the audience. Bucky was my favorite. sniff. I think Melissa McWhatserface was there too but she was shown in the same shot as Mandy Moore so I missed it. (I have a girl-crush on Mandy Moore.)

As far as the final two go -- honestly I don't think anyone gave a spectacular performance. I think McPhee made a huge mistake with her choices of repeat performances- they were both much too recent. Taylor chose better songs although it appeared as if he got dressed in the dark. That's ok though. I really was not terribly impressed with either of them.

The last two songs were AWFUL. I felt bad for them that they had to sing such crap on their last shot. Taylor did ok- he made it into a Sam Cooke song like he does everything else. McScreech's song sounded like an off key high school musical performance. It was BAD. I think Taylor's bad song beat McPhee's bad song.

My prediction? Taylor. 100%

'Idol' News Hot off the Presses!

These are exciting times at "American Midol," y'all! We just got wind of some hot gossip and naturally, we want to brag, er, I mean, share it with you.

It seems there's a "surprise guest" on hand for tonight's finale and rumor has it, it's Live. You know, the band Chris Daughtry ripped off pretty much week after week... Well, when he wasn't ripping off Fuel and Creed, that is.

So, you heard it here first, folks. Daughtry will team up with Ed Kowalczyk and company to sing "Mystery," which coincidentally is the first single off their upcoming album, "Songs From Black Mountain."

Thank God for the mute button.

Photos: Chris Daughtry, FOX; Ed Kowalczyk, FansofLive.com

Stick a Fork in Her...

I think Katharine McPhee's done. Taylor Hicks has this thing in the bag. Sigh...

Why did Kat even bother showing up last night? The entire hour was one big long coronation of Taylor. From the numerous cuts to Paula Abdul rocking out and gushing up a storm to Simon's final comment pronouncing Hicks the winner. Not fair.

I hope Kat wins just to give a big ol' "fuck you" to the producers and Paula. Not that Paula holds much sway in the outcome anyway but I firmly believe she should be cursed out whenever and wherever possible. With that said... Suck my dick, Paula!

Alas, DialIdol.com has The Tard soundly thumping Tits McPhee. And judging by the results of our last poll, the majority of "American Midol" readers (all 24 of you... and counting) think Taylor's salt-and-pepper locks will soon be (partially) covered up by the 'Idol' crown. Have you voted yet? If not, click here and do it now. If you already voted, vote again! This ain't no democracy. Stuff the ballot box, yo. We totally welcome voting irregularities.

Can't say I'm surprised. The producers have been paving the way for Taylor for weeks. What I did find surprising, though, was the crappy quality of the original songs the finalists were forced (at gun point, I hope) to warble. I mean, I wasn't expecting much ("A Moment Like This," hello?) but good God, I have serious cavities from all the syrup. The minute Kat opened her mouth, the tooth decay set in.

Both songs sucked but KMcPhee was all but guaranteed a loss with the atrocious "My Destiny." Granted, she didn't quite make lemonade with what she was given but I dare say Taylor would have massacred it as well. He lucked out because "Do I Make You Proud?" was far less heinous... although that's not saying much.

You know, Kat gets dumped on for her vocal imperfections (and rightfully so) but Hicks is far from a flawless singer himself. Can we PLEASE admit that?!?! Yes, he handled Stevie Wonder ably but boyfriend totally yelped his way through "Levon." My ears are still ringing from that mess. I hope Elton John bitch slaps him if and when they ever meet up.

In other finale news, last year's winner, Carrie Underwood and Season Two runner-up Clay Aiken are scheduled to perform tonight. Carrie and Clay. Lawdy, could FOX find two more people with any less sex appeal to put on the same bill? I really have to question the people whose naughty bits feel all a-tingle when either of these two take the stage. I can only assume that straight girls who have it bad for Clay no doubt were truly, madly, deeply in love with that guy in high school who rebuffed their advances, knew all the words to the "Fame" soundtrack and often joined them in feigning illness to get out of gym class. Admit it. It's true.

Photo: The National Ledger

Final Judgment

The end is almost here, kiddies. So, tell us...

Who will be the next American Idol?
	Taylor "The Tard" Hicks
	Katharine "Tits" McPhee
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Kill Me Now

TMZ is reporting many, many things about tonight's show that make me want to vomit up everything I've eaten in the past fifteen years. Among them:

• Songs by Burt Bacharach


• Dionne Warwick performing 'That's What Friends Are For'


• Kevin Covais singing 'What's New Pussycat'


• Clay Aiken performing

You can read the rest here. I'd hold off if you're eating, though.

Singing in the Shower

It looks like my Hitachi Magic Wand, but it's actually something entirely different. It's the American Idol Microphone Shower Radio, "a battery-operated AM/FM shower radio that has the appearance and shape of a real microphone and features the trademark American Idol logo." As far as the idea goes, I think it's genius. The actual product? Not so much. Here's how it works:

Consumers can use the shower radio to tune in to their favorite radio station, pick up the microphone and sing along with the songs - all during their shower or any other activity around the home.

So basically, what they're giving me is the equivalent of a waterproof boom box. Why doesn't it have karaoke versions of songs to sing along with? Why doesn't it play the music of one Barry Manilow? Why does it have such a long, boring name? And most importantly, why wasn't I consulted on the product development? Mark Feldstein, next time you decide to create an 'Idol'-themed product, call me, k?

Round 'Em Up!

Once again, we bring you the latest 'Idol' headlines:

Hicks Ain't Taylor-Made to Be a Star
...Or so says Tom Alesia of the "Wisconsin State Journal" in a riotously funny piece. Not since "Laverne & Shirley" has something out of The Dairy State made me chuckle so.

And I quote: "America is about to crown Hicks -- who recalls those scary years when Bruce Willis and Jim Belushi sang in public -- as its musical pop-culture king."

God, what I wouldn't give for a Seagram's Golden Wine Cooler and some Wisconsin cheddar right about now.

It's Finger-Lickin', Finger-Lickin' Good, Y'all
Louisville's "Business First" reports that this year's numero two -- aka the next Clay Aiken-in-the-makin' -- will take home a $10,000 recording contract and the chance "to write and star in an upcoming commercial for the new KFC Famous Bowls."

Isn't it punishment enough that this person has to lose in front of millions of people? Lawdy, it ain't just the chickens KFC is torturing.

Here She Goes Loopedy-Loop
Kelly Clarkson hitched a ride with the soaring Blue Angels at an air show in Fort Worth. Word on the street (or, rather, up in the air) is that she executed a Texas-sized barf after her plane started doing all the fancy stunts.

Don't be ashamed, Kelly. Between you, me and the lamp post, I nearly spewed red, white and blue after a few spins on Disney World's Teacup ride. At least your story is bad ass. Be proud of your puke, sista frien'. As for me, I'll continue to sport my shame.

Nikki Wants to Slip Us Some Tongue...
... rings. Wait, what'd you think I meant? Anyhoo, dirty-minded ones, it seems that running her own karaoke business wasn't a dismal enough fate for Season One's Nikki McKibben. The colorfully-coiffed-third-place finisher is now hitting the road to hawk shitty jewelry along with her presumably equally-shitty new CD.

McKibben was recently heard giving her pitch on several radio stations in the Palm Springs vicinity. Since I live outside the listenting area -- and don't have the will or the energy to search the internet for a copy of the broadcast -- I can't tell you exactly what Nikki told her listeners. But here's what I'm guessing she didn't say: The earrings -- and the music -- are certain to make your ears turn green. Wanna bet?

King Takes a 'Desperate' Stand Against 'Idol'
Stephen King is about to go all Carrie White on the programming powers-that-be at ABC. Apparently, the Alphabet Network had the unmitigated gall to schedule "Desperation," King's latest small-screen adaptation, against FOX's Tuesday night behemoth.

Where does ABC get the nerve? I mean, it's not like King's previous efforts have a history of tanking in the ratings department or anything. Oh wait...

Photos: Taylor Hicks, FOX; Nikki McKibben, "Extra"

'Choke on This

The running joke that is William Hung refuses to sputter out and die. It's an endless marathon at this point.

The hapless Hung has just been crowned Artichoke King of the Castroville Artichoke Festival.

Sigh.

I'm assuming William Hung and Katie Holmes have something in common here: The bottom slot on the list of potential dupes, er, I mean, candidates.

Poor William. And Katie. Release them from their respective prisons. Please.

Photo: AP Photo/Ben Margot

All Out of Love

I'm not going to lie, I wept like a little girl who just spilled grape juice on her pink ruffled dress when Elliott got the boot. And when he went back home to Virginia, back when I already knew he was going to get the boot. He will be missed, by me anyway. Especially now that I no longer care who wins. Okay, if I'm being really honest, I haven't cared since Bucky had a bad day. That's right. BUCKY. You got a problem with that?

Anyway, back to Elliott. I'm not saying he's gay or anything, but have you noticed that Elliott seems to be at his most joyous and full of life when he'd cradled in Ryan Seacrest's arms? And if Elliott's tinier than Seacrest, then how small is he? Quite a Lilliputian crew of male contestants this season, if you ask me.

Anyway, bring on the finale. Bring on the Paula crazy. Bring on the Tits McPhee oversinging. Bring on the Taylor retard dance. And when it's all over, know that we, your American Midol contributors, will not go anywhere. We'll still be here, telling you which WB show Lisa Tucker will be guest-starring on, and which cookie-cutter rock band Chris Daughtry joins, and what special and wonderful magical things Boyfriend Bucky does. Hell, every little thing he does is magic.

VOTE FOR TAYLOR!

I am sorry Elliott. I tried. I echo Ryan Seacrest when I say that you are a good man, Elliott.

Last night was sad. I got sniffly and misty when they showed the video of Elliott's visit to Virginia. I enjoyed watching Taylor's return to Alabammy. I threw whatever was in reach at the TV when they showed McSkank's return home. I HATE HATE HATE her. She is undoubtedly talented and very, very pretty but HOLY CRAP ON A STICK is she full of herself. Seriously. She had an opportunity to acknowledge the support she gets from the McParents -- who are ALWAYS present and ALWAYS WEEPING -- but instead she giggles "I hardly ever TALK to them!" Asshole. She should be thanking the McMother, on a near constant basis, for teaching her how to sing. Instead she gives an unenthusiastic "hi mom, hi dad," like she was doing them a favor. She is the biggest bag of douche I have ever seen.

I have much love for Seacrest for handing McPhee her shoes with total disdain. Seacrest is my DAWG.

My mother called me when the show was over and told me that someone needs to remind McPhee that she has a big doopy ass and that her poop does not smell like strawberries. My mom also called Taylor "Michael McCocker." I laughed and asked her if I could use that and she told me to not mention anything she says on the "blob."

So I'm not doing that. On the blob.

Ouuuuuuuuch!

Okay, I'm going to admit it... I was sad to see Elliott go. I'm not going to pretend that I was a fan of his all along but well, I wish he stayed (at Taylor's expense, of course). Elliott wanted it the most. I think winning would have meant more to him than Taylor and Kat combined.

But, Elliott plugged away and overcame the odds. He got NO camera time at the beginning of the show. He defied expectations, made it to the top three and won over legions of fans and admirers. Not too shabby. I'm not worried about Elliott. My concern is more with Paula and the emotional breakdown she's suffering as we speak.

Say, did you like my "E.T." reference in the post title? Anyone? Anyone? Oh, blow me.

COME ON

Even her clothes piss me off.

Photo: CBS News/AP

My Thoughts. In Haiku.

The funky white boy
Needed to bring out some more
Worried about him

Taylor kicked all ass
He will be the Champion
McPhee can suck it

Predictable Kat
Does not take any song risks
Send her the fuck home

The Stars Predict...

Astrologer Jeff Jawer makes his predictions for 'Idol,' based on how the planets are going to be aligned and whatnot that night. Scoff all you want, but homeboy's been right every year so far. See what he says. I'll give you a hint. It's not Elliott. Shocked?

You Make the Call

Who's going home tonight?
	Elliott
	Katharine
	Taylor
Free polls from Pollhost.com

And Down the Stretch They Come

Good stuff tonight. My girl Katharine McPhee redeemed herself after last week's fiasco.

"I Believe I Can Fly" was shaky. I didn't love it. However, I actually cackled when she shot back, "I didn't pick it!" when Randy Jackson chastised her for song selection. That is further evidence that his post-performance remarks are worthless. Dude, Clive Davis chose the song and duh, he's sitting right next to you. Mind your mouth, asshole. And stop with the Journey shout-outs. You joined them by the time they were relegated to headlining venues akin to Kellerman's. You were not part of the "Open Arms" era so shut up, Randy.

If you ask moi, Simon Cowell should always pick the show themes and songs for each contestant. That chap knows his stuff. "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" was an absolutely gorgeous fit for McPhee. I'm not going to lie to you... I usually fast forward that part of "The Wizard of Oz" because the song is a bit slow and boring, in my humble opinion. But KMcPhee took a classic (and the fodder for many a bad "Star Search" performance. Yes, I'm tawkin' bout you, Sam Harris) and made it her own. She deserves to be in the top two.

Taylor Hicks has a great voice. I can't deny it, as much as it pains me. But honestly, all he did tonight was mimic Bruce Springsteen, Joe Cocker and Otis Redding, albeit competently. But his performances are more homage than anything else. But that's neither here nor there as I'm already resigned to the fact that he's going to win the whole damn thing. Sigh.

But did anyone else notice how small his feet are? He was wearing black, orthopedic clodhoppers in the one-on-one interview with Clive and well the feet?... Tiny. Do the math.

Low blow, perhaps but hey, if I have to deal with that "Soul Patrol"-spewing moron winning this thing, I'm at least entitled to one crack about the size of his manhood, no?

Which brings us to Elliott Yamin... Sorry dude, but you're going home. I don't know that you deserve to necessarily but I do think your time has come. Fear not, Elliot, as record deals and cosmetic dentistry await you. Well done, young man.

Bring on the finale!

American Midol's New Digs

Now, you may be wondering why with only a few episodes left in the current season of 'American Idol,' I decided to give the blog a fresh coat of paint.

"Won't the traffic to this site soon fall off, Curly?" you might be asking yourself. "Isn't it a waste of your time at this stage in the game?" And to that I say, "Stop talking to yourselves, weirdos!"

No really, as long as people are looking for pictures of McPhee's knockers and all things Daughtry, eyeballs aplenty will be on this site long after the winner is crowned. Might as well give 'em something nice to look at, right? Especially since there no photos of McPhee's cans to hold them over. Sadly.

I hope you like what I've done with the place. If not, uh... well, y'all can blow me. Oh I kid.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go watch tonight's show which my dutiful cable box just DVR'd for moi while I was partaking in the fun that is manipulating existing templates and cascading style sheets.

Smart ass commentary to follow, I'm sure.

The Fix Is In!!

People are going INSANE over Chris Daughtry.

There is an online petition demanding his immediate return to the competition.

Disgruntled Daughtry fans are going bonkers on message boards. There are conspiracy theories surfacing left and right. There is scandal within our midst, people. Something STINKS and it's not coming from Paula's crack pipe.

Daughtry fans were misdirected to McFeeble!

Will Daughtry be reinstated as an Idol contestant? Will he join that "major band" that I never heard of? Will Paula try to bone him now that he is off the show?

Stay Tuned.

Poll Time

Who should have gone home this week?
	Chris Daughtry
	Elliott Yamin
	Taylor Kicks
	Katharine McPhee
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Chris Daughtry Loves Himself More Than America Does

So yeah. I too was shocked when Daughtry got the boot last night. How could you not be? I expected him and Taylor to be the final two, as a lot of us did. I don't think this week he was loved any less than he was in weeks previous. I think McPhee and Elliott fans just RALLIED. Now, let me share with you some VILs (Very Important Links):

If you missed the shock and awe, watch the video. (American Idol Official Site)

Chris talks to 'Entertainment Weekly' about how he's so fucking awesome, he can't believe he got sent home. Way to make yourself sound like an asshole, buddy. (Entertainment Weekly)

A band that is in no way Fuel, no really it's not Fuel, it's a surprise (IT'S FUCKING FUEL) will make the "rocker" an offer on 'Extra' tonight. In other news, I still won't listen to Fuel. (Post Chronicle)

Conspiracy theorists think the vote was fixed. Normal people understand that when 40 million people try to call one number, sometimes you can't get through. (Reality TV Calendar)

I Call Bullshit

Um, not because of the results from last night, just to clarify. I'm quite chuffed that Chris is gone. I'm tired of Screamy McScreamerson and his weekly fondling of the mic stand. Good riddance.

Yes, Katharine stunk up the joint on Tuesday night but no more than Chris did. And yes, she's had her creaky notes and her voice has crapped out on her at times but she's not alone in the vocal failure department. The remaining three have been semi-solid throughout, but to my taste, none have really blown the roof off the place.

I know KMcPhee's being sacrificed on the altar of St. Daughtry today but she deserves her spot in the top three. So suck on it, naysayers. The judges overpraised Chris on Tuesday night in their efforts to ultimately secure him a spot in the top two. Who did they want to pit him against? Why, Taylor Hicks of course! Why else would Rebecca Romijn-Soon-to-Be-O'Connell "spontaneously" request that Fidget Man resurrect his god awful "Jailhouse Rock"?!?! What bias!!

It's SO scripted and SO manipulative. The Chris-touting tactics failed. I just hope that next week there's a massive phone outage where most of the Soul Patrol resides.

KMcPhee will be the next to go. If so, my vote goes to Elliot and his manky teefs.

Wow

Holy Shit. I did not expect that at all.

I won't make any further comments until I know that Jess has seen the results.

There Are No Words

Except maybe, ew?

McMangle

Okay -- before I get into it -- did anyone else notice Priscilla Presley's staggering amount of plastic surgery. Not only is she a crazy scientologist, but she is well on her way to giving Jocelyn Wildenstein a run for her money. That was some seriously scary shit, Cilla.

Also -- how about Ryan CPA-crest's three piece suit? He looked like a little kid wearing his first big boy suit that was just like daddy's.

Moving on.

Taylor. I thought he did really well with "Jailhouse Rock." He did screw up the lyrics but I don't think anyone really noticed that. I shrieked with delight as he did that wild leg flapping dance at one point. He does dance like a drunken old man at a wedding but it suits him. I don't care what anyone says I love Taylor. His second song was pretty good too. I think he might win.

Daughtry. The outfit. Was that a SKI PARKA? That jacket made absolutely no sense. The glasses. Dude. YOU ARE SO NOT A ROCK STAR. They looked like goggles on him. I almost puked when he took off the glasses and did the winky winky thing into the camera. EW.
The second song was so boring. It was like he mumbled the whole thing and then ended it by yelling a really high pitched "ACK!"

Elliott. I always root for the underdog so I am rooting for Elliott. I take back all the not nice things I said about him in the past. He completely kicked ass when he sang "Trouble." I am surprised that Paula did not break down in tears with that one. Her wonkiness factor was pretty low last night. Randy was a little strange too. His talking was peppered with very few "dogs" and "check it outs." I am worried he might have hit his head.

McPhee. Ok. Granted I totally loathe her but she sucked. The first song was a screechy mess and she totally forgot the words. The dancing was a little cringe worthy too. She cannot pull off really bad dancing the way Taylor does- she takes herself WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too seriously. The second song was BAD. She can make anything into a showtune and usualy pull it off but she mangled it last night. She mangled both songs last night. I almost felt sorry for her. Almost. When she asked her McFans to vote for her any sympathy I had went RIGHT DOWN THE CRAPPER.

Curly, if you DO end up marrying Katharine you will have to get a huge apartment to accommodate her GIANT HEAD.

Prediction -- based on performance it should be McPhee...but I think it might be Elliott.

Final Four Recap

Here's my two cents regarding last night's performances:

Elliott Yamin: Excellent job on both songs. I wouldn't be surprised if he wins the whole shebang. He's got that whole "Rudy" underdog thing going on plus he has a sweet set of pipes. I will not be horrified if he wins.

Chris Daughtry: HORRENDOUS. The producers so clearly want him in the finals that even Simon, whom I usually agree with, gave him two -- count 'em, two -- free passes.

Simon, if I may turn the tables on you for a sec, that was positively dreadful! Chris absolutely massacred "A Little Less Conversation" and "Suspicious Minds" was mind-numbingly boring.

He sucks. Vote him off. NOW.

Taylor Hicks: As expected, Taylor tarded his way through "Jailhouse Rock." No shocker there. He did redeem himself with "In the Ghetto." He was solid and I cannot for the life of me take issue with his rendition.

You foiled me this round, Hicks, but still... sleep with one twitchy eye open.

Katharine McPhee: Having read Jess's post about the song selection prior to last night's show, I had a bad feeling about KMcPhee's chances. Not good song selections AT ALL. "Can't Help Falling in Love" was far too predictable a choice. I thought she might attempt "Heartbreak Hotel" so that she could work her sultry, bluesy side but, instead, she opted for cheese and to not challenge herself. Tsk tsk.

Oh and did I completely miss the "All Shook Up" portion of her "Hound Dog/All Shook Up" medley? Or did Katharine just stick to singing 'bout the dog? I don't recall any sort of shaking up goin' on. But then again, I'm often so transfixed by her deep, dark eyes, those lovely cheek bones and that stunning smile that I'm often rendered hard of hearing. Enlighten me, bitte.

Bottom Two: KMcPhee and Daughtry
Going Home: I'm afraid my beloved KMcPhee's "Bad Day" may have come. Her journey will be recapped in slow-mo before my tear-filled eyes. DialIdol.com is predicting Daughtry's demise but I have a feeling that girlfriend is packing up her frumpy frocks and going home tonight. No matter. I will see you in A.C., my lovely.

Keep Your Pelvis Far From Me, Taylor Hicks

It's Elvis night on 'American Idol,' and AOL's been kind enough to let us know what the kiddies will be singing. Here you go:

Elliott: "Trouble" and "If I Can Dream"

Chris: "A Little Less Conversation" and "Suspicious Minds"

Taylor: "Jailhouse Rock" and "In the Ghetto"

Katharine: "Hound Dog/All Shook Up" and "Can't Help Falling in Love"

I liked the prediction for Chris:

Chris will have to work hard to ruin the best song choices of the night.

I predict Elliott will sound wonderful and be totally boring. Chris will Fuel-ify Elvis and the judges will wet themselves while I shake my fist at the heavens. Taylor will be totally ridiculous doing "Jailhouse Rock" and totally awesome doing "In the Ghetto," and I will download Dolly Parton's version during commercial. Katherine will butcher "Hound Dog" and bring it home with "Can't Help Falling in Love." And when it's all over, I will not care enough to vote for anyone. Read the rest here.

I've Seen a Million Faces...And I've Linked Them All

It's a Pickler reunion! Clyde and Kellie hug, hold hands, drink Pabst unironically. (New York Post)

Carrie Underwood graduates from college. Admits she didn't study, let Jesus do all the work. (People)

Take that, Jennifer Hudson! Bitch. Kidding. I totally didn't even watch that season. I wouldn't know Jennifer Hudson if she fell on me. I'd still kick her ass, though. For falling on me. Fantasia Barrino gets her own Lifetime Original Movie. (Washington Post)

Ryan Seacrest and Paula Abdul kiss and make up. The world breathes a collective sigh of relief. That we didn't have to see Ryan awkwardly kiss another person with a vagina. (National Ledger)

Bucky Covington's hometown celebrates. Jess ignores the fact that most of the article is about Pickler. Creeps herself out talking about herself in the third person. (WNBC)

Simon Cowell Has More Money Than You

I'm not at all ashamed to say that I adore Simon Cowell. Not in an, "I want to shag him way" or in an, "I want to be his girlfriend so I can be driven crazy by his man-child antics" way. More in an, "I want to go to Bungalow 8 with him on a Friday night and sit in a corner, drinking whisky while we make fun of everyone in the place together" way.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that. It has nothing to do with the article I'm linking to, except that it's about Simon. I just felt I had to let my feelings be known.

The Daily Mirror, that trashy little British tabloid I love so, is reporting that Simon is the highest-paid show biz star across the pond. This information comes from "Desperate Networks," a book that just came out by American TV critic Bill Carter, which I imagine I'll have to read at some point and review here if it has something to do with 'Idol.'

What has Simon bought with his millions? Jennifer Lopez's Beverly Hills mansion, a house in West London, two Range Rovers, two Rolls-Royces, a Jaguar, a Porsche and a Ferrari Spider 430. Such modest tastes, that Simon. Get the full story here.

And if you adore Simon like I do and missed that "Rolling Stone" article about him a few months back, give it a read. It's a good one.

Chris Daughtry to Stapp His Way to a Win

Some dude in Vegas, not content to just lose all his money at the Black Jack table like a normal gambler, is placing odds on who will win 'American Idol.' He's got Chris Daughtry at the top, as a 2-1 favorite to be crowned the winner. He's got McPhee at 3-1, Taylor at 4-1 and Elliot at 7-1. He had Paris at 10-1, so maybe he does know something. You know, something we ALL knew.

Don't think you're going to cash in on 'Idol' bets in Nevada, though. The big meanie state doesn't let residents legally bet on a TV show. If you're betting on a TV show illegally, though, I think you might be sadder than me, who co-started a blog devoted to a show. And that's pretty sad. Get the full story at AOL.com.

We'll Always Have Paris

I'm not even gonna front. I cried when they showed Paris' "Had a Bad Day" video. Real, actual tears.

Missed it? Good thing the Internet has a little something called "recaps":

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