"Never Play [with a Guy's] Ball[s] in the House"

Clay Aiken recently spoke to "People" about them there pesky rumors that he's a big ol' mo':

"What do you say (to that question)? ... It's like when I was 8. I remember something would get broken in the house, and Mom and Dad would call me in and say, 'Did you do this?' Well, it didn't matter what I said. The only thing they would believe was yes. ... People are going to believe what they want."

Um, is it me or did he just try to dispel the rumor by using a plot from The Brady Bunch?

Oh, Clay. If you're trying to distance yourself from the gays, I don't suggest you align yourself with the likes of a man named Brady. He was, after all, busy with three boys of his own. Um, helloooo?!?!

Or, perish the thought, Alice! Don't you believe the Sam the Butcher hype! He was a porkchop-slinging beard, for fuck's sake! And look at those sensible shoes she wore day in and day out!

Now, because I'm a nice person, Clay Aiken, I've taken the liberty of compiling a list of other sitcoms you might want to avoid borrowing storylines from in the quest to clear your name:

• "Happy Days"
  Fonzie's womanizing was a classic case of overcompensation. In other words, Fonzie was a total fag.



• "Saved by the Bell"
  Elizabeth Berkeley was in "Showgirls" and Mario Lopez played Greg Louganis in a made-for-TV movie. Gay. Gay. Gay.



• "I Love Lucy"
  I don't have official confirmation on this but I think Ethel sought solace in the loving arms of Lucy more than once. Wouldn't you if you were married to Fred Mertz?



• "Cheers"
  I have some questions about the Norm/Cliff dynamic, plus there's the Frasier Crane factor.



• "The Golden Girls"
  Duh.



• "Designing Women"
  Again, duh.



• "It's a Living"
  Ann Jillian just screams "fag hag" to me. I suggest you steer clear.

This is not an exhaustive list, Clay. Naturally, I'll keep you posted if any others spring to mind. Cheers.

Photo: Matthew Rolston/"People"

No Justin, No Peace

If you're like me and haven't quite got the whole hating on Justin Guarini thing out of your system, here's your chance to heap more scorn on that mop-topped moron.

Yup, that's right! Beginning later this month, FOX will rerun the first season of our beloved pageant of cheesy pop, crap-ass ballads, camera fucking and, of course, the beginning of Paula Abdul's delicious downward spiral.

"American Idol Rewind" is the perfect catch-up opportunity for those of you who joined the "AI" love fest a little late in the game. For those of you who've been keepin' it real since day one, well, there's a little sumpin' sumpin' to keep you tuned in as well! Simon and company promise "new episodes, behind-the-scenes trivia, fascinating updates, and plenty of never-before-seen footage." Mmm... more Nikki McKibben than you shake a stick at. That's hot.

"American Idol Rewind" is syndicated so I can't tell you exactly when it will be on. You lazy bitches will just have to check your local listings. You're welcome.

Photo: FOX