American Midol: Daily News, Gossip and Commentary about "American Idol"

News You Probably Can't Use

jess — Fri, 05 Jan 2007 16:51:00 +0000

Not necessarily the news, but really, is there anything funnier than a Paula Abdul fug? Okay, a Britney fug, but Paula is a close second. (Go Fug Yourself)

Bucky Covington, also known in some circles as My Boyfriend, signs a deal with Lyric Street Records. Album comes out April 17, two days after my birthday. Totally planned. Thanks Bucky! Also, a sort-of-but-really interview with the man himself. His first single, "A Different World," will hit the country airwaves January 16th. ('American Idol' official site)

The 'American Idol' karaoke video game! 'Nuff said. (USA Today)

Ruben Studdard wants Alabama residents to quit being a bunch of fatasses. (The Birmingham News)

Review: Taylor Hicks' debut Taylor Hicks not all that and a bag of chips. Is anyone surprised? You know, besides the millions of retards who voted for him week after week? (Rocky Mountain News)

The Cure

jess — Thu, 04 Jan 2007 16:21:00 +0000

No, I'm not talking about my all-time favorite band. I'm talking about hiccups. Specifically, those belonging to Kellie Pickler.

Says The Tennessean:

Kellie Pickler Loses Hockey Brawl

Country newcomer Kellie Pickler has discovered there's one competition more brutal than American Idol: pro hockey. After singing to Clemson and Kentucky fans at Legends on Friday, she attended her first hockey game Saturday and afterward joined Predators Jordin Tootoo and Scottie Upshall at the Tin Roof.

Told to do a handstand to cure her hiccups, she kicked up her red high heels over her head. A pretend hockey fight broke out and Kellie, 20, ended up at the bottom of the pile. The melee left a knot on her forehead that remains. At least she still has all of her teeth.

Google tells me that doing a handstand is, in fact, a cure for hiccups. But honestly, doesn't that seem like a lot of work when they'll probably just go away on their own? And I bet the conversation went like this:

Kellie: Y'all, I have hiccups!

My Hero: Do a handstand!

Kellie: All right!

My Hero (to friend): Dude, we're at a hockey game. I didn't think she'd really do it.

My Hero's Friend (shaking head): What a dumbass. Ouch! That's gotta hurt.

I go back and forth on whether or not I think Kellie Pickler is a genuine idiot, or an idiot solely for entertainment's sake. In this case, I'm going to go with the former.

Some other Idol-related news: Mandisa writing a book about food addiction. Read about it here.

Also, 13 Days! See the shiny new graphic that Curly made? It's over there -->

I Didn't Wait a Lifetime for a Moment Like This

jess — Wed, 03 Jan 2007 22:00:00 +0000

I'm a little late to the game on the relatively new music the 'Idol' kids are putting out. Luckily, AOL Music has all sorts of tracks to listen to from Chris Daughtry and Katharine McPhee today. Here's what I think of them. Then, if you're as behind as I am, you can listen and decide for yourself.

Daughtry. I actually don't hate "Home," the first song. I do, however, think it sounds like every single power balled written between 1986 and 1992. But I was a fan of the power ballads. Hell, I even made a mix tape of them that I played Every. Single. Time. my high school boyfriend and I made out. I'm sure he loved that. The second song, which is his first single, "It's Not Over," bored me to tears. And then I had to stop listening. Chris Daughtry is pretty. I shouldn't find him so boring. I love little bald dudes. There's just, I don't know, something missing. Charisma? Personality? A chromosome? Hell if I know.

Now, onto McPhee. Now, I don't love her the way Curly does, and I don't hate her the way Mejack does. I'm more indifferent than anything else, although I think she has very pretty hair and I would kill to have her makeup person go at my face. I'm not really digging "Over It," which is the first single. It's a little… watered-down I guess is how I would describe it. I most definitely do not want to start shaking my ass at my desk at work. And that's a bad sign, because if you know me, you know I love to shake my ass at my desk at work. Ditto on "Each Other," and that's enough listening to crap for me this afternoon.

If I'm forcing myself to say something nice, I'll say this. Both of those songs could kick the ass of "A Moment Like This," and look at Kelly Clarkson now. Anything can happen.

Watch Chris Daughtry

Listen to Katharine McPhee

What do you think? Also, 14 Days!

The Final Countdown

jess — Tue, 02 Jan 2007 18:00:00 +0000

Doot doot doot doot! Doot doot doot doot doot! Doot doot doot doot…

(Hm, no one remembers that song by the 80s hair band Europe? Well, okay then.)

We are officially back from our semi-hiatus to start the countdown to Idol madness. Can you stand the suspense?

15 Days!

Now, let's get to the news, shall we?

Jennifer Hudson, who y'all couldn't be bothered to vote for but will still happily climb on the bandwagon now, to be honored by the Oklahoma Film Critics, which is probably not that big of a deal. I mean, Oklahoma? I didn't even know they had films there. (Playbill)

Everything you always wanted to know about Simon Cowell. Oh wait, no. That was the Rolling Stone interview. This is just less of the same. (Extra)

The predictions are in: Idol 6 ratings are going to suck ass. In related news, Midol bloggers wonder why the hell it took them five years to come up with the idea to blog about the show. (Reality TV Magazine)

Breaking! Simon Cowell makes a buttload of money. I initially typed "buttloaf" there, which is funny. (United Press International)

Audition Videos Galore! See the freaks who came out for their chance to be on the show. (American Idol Official Site)

Hell Hath No Fury...

curly mcdimple — Tue, 21 Nov 2006 16:16:00 +0000

... Like Kelly Ripa scorned. Uh, by Clay Aiken.

Now there's a sentence fragment I never thought I'd type...

Update: Rosie O'Donnell is in on the act! The loquacious lesbo seems to think Ripa's cheeky reaction to Clay's antics was "homophobic."

Oh, Rosie. The last I checked, we homos were not above bitchy behavior. And guess what, sunshine? Some of us are rude with repellent manners. Granted, we pull it all off with a bit more humor and flair than some of our straight counterparts but just the same, we are not above reproach. Bad manners are not exclusive to the straight set. If nowhere else, we're at least equals in douchebaggery as well as the occasional bit of dumb-fuckitude. Deal with it.

My point, Rosie, and I do have one, is that calling us out on such things is fair, not inflammatory. Stop crying wolf, you stupid beaver. Now why don't you waddle off and go decoupage something? How's about you start with your mouth?

"Never Play [with a Guy's] Ball[s] in the House"

curly mcdimple — Wed, 20 Sep 2006 18:24:00 +0000

Clay Aiken recently spoke to "People" about them there pesky rumors that he's a big ol' mo':

"What do you say (to that question)? ... It's like when I was 8. I remember something would get broken in the house, and Mom and Dad would call me in and say, 'Did you do this?' Well, it didn't matter what I said. The only thing they would believe was yes. ... People are going to believe what they want."

Um, is it me or did he just try to dispel the rumor by using a plot from The Brady Bunch?

Oh, Clay. If you're trying to distance yourself from the gays, I don't suggest you align yourself with the likes of a man named Brady. He was, after all, busy with three boys of his own. Um, helloooo?!?!

Or, perish the thought, Alice! Don't you believe the Sam the Butcher hype! He was a porkchop-slinging beard, for fuck's sake! And look at those sensible shoes she wore day in and day out!

Now, because I'm a nice person, Clay Aiken, I've taken the liberty of compiling a list of other sitcoms you might want to avoid borrowing storylines from in the quest to clear your name:

"Happy Days"
Fonzie's womanizing was a classic case of overcompensation. In other words, Fonzie was a total fag.

"Saved by the Bell"
Elizabeth Berkeley was in "Showgirls" and Mario Lopez played Greg Louganis in a made-for-TV movie. Gay. Gay. Gay.

"I Love Lucy"
I don't have official confirmation on this but I think Ethel sought solace in the loving arms of Lucy more than once. Wouldn't you if you were married to Fred Mertz?

"Cheers"
I have some questions about the Norm/Cliff dynamic, plus there's the Frasier Crane factor.

"The Golden Girls"
Duh.

"Designing Women"
Again, duh.

"It's a Living"
Ann Jillian just screams "fag hag" to me. I suggest you steer clear.

This is not an exhaustive list, Clay. Naturally, I'll keep you posted if any others spring to mind. Cheers.

Photo: Matthew Rolston/"People"

No Justin, No Peace

curly mcdimple — Wed, 06 Sep 2006 18:44:00 +0000

If you're like me and haven't quite got the whole hating on Justin Guarini thing out of your system, here's your chance to heap more scorn on that mop-topped moron.

Yup, that's right! Beginning later this month, FOX will rerun the first season of our beloved pageant of cheesy pop, crap-ass ballads, camera fucking and, of course, the beginning of Paula Abdul's delicious downward spiral.

"American Idol Rewind" is the perfect catch-up opportunity for those of you who joined the "AI" love fest a little late in the game. For those of you who've been keepin' it real since day one, well, there's a little sumpin' sumpin' to keep you tuned in as well! Simon and company promise "new episodes, behind-the-scenes trivia, fascinating updates, and plenty of never-before-seen footage." Mmm... more Nikki McKibben than you shake a stick at. That's hot.

"American Idol Rewind" is syndicated so I can't tell you exactly when it will be on. You lazy bitches will just have to check your local listings. You're welcome.

Photo: FOX

It Makes Me Proud...

curly mcdimple — Wed, 09 Aug 2006 20:19:00 +0000

... To announce that Taylor "The Tard" Hicks made AOL Music's list of 111 Wussiest Songs of All Time.

Dude, when a brand like America Online dubs you a pussy, it's seriously time to go into hiding. I'm sure most of the members of the Soul Patrol are survival nuts with well-stocked bomb shelters. They'll totally hook you up. Now git!

Mostly-Daily News Brief

jess — Mon, 07 Aug 2006 21:46:00 +0000

Okay, to all three of you that read this blog, (Totally kidding! It's four.) I'm going to try and do a daily news update because there is so much 'Idol' news and I know you need it bad. Without further ado…

Author sues Clay Aikin. Jess sues author for being a loser. Okay, not really, but who writes an "unauthorized biography" about CLAY AIKIN? It's worth mentioning that the book is called, "Out of the Blue: Clay if Forward." I couldn't make this shit up, people. (MSNBC)

Random House to publish Taylor Hicks' memoir. It never ends. I hope the editor takes out all the "Wooooos!" and the "Soul patrols!" and then punches him in the nuts. (ShortNews -- Yeah, I never heard of it, either)

Simon Fuller plans world domination, laughs maniacally. (L.A. Times)

'Idol' auditions kick off tomorrow. Stories from every hopeful's local newspaper to surely follow. (People)

'Idol' producers all sorts of pissed off about Fantasia's biopic, claiming some parts are false. Hey, Simon and Nigel, you have the most watched television show in the history of the world. It's a made-for-TV movie on fucking 'Lifetime.' A little perspective, please? (Celebrity Café)

Clay and Ruben both to release albums next month, cry themselves to sleep because they aren't Kelly Clarkson. (Baltimore Sun)

McKlutz, Anyone?

curly mcdimple — Thu, 03 Aug 2006 21:06:00 +0000

Um, did Katharine McPhee walk under a ladder recently? Cross a black cat, perhaps? Whistle backstage in the Kodak Theater? Between laryngitis, cancelled flights and broken feet, girlfriend is smack dab in the midst of a bad luck spell. I blame The Creepy Older Boyfriend.

KMcPhee, call me. I'll nurse you back to good health... and better luck. Seriously, ditch that decrepit old dude. For your sake... and mine.

Elliott's Such a Good Boy

curly mcdimple — Wed, 02 Aug 2006 12:43:00 +0000

Just when I thought Elliott Yamin couldn't be any more likable, this story comes along. It's official: I'm in love with Elliott.

Some Thought On Heidi Groskreutz from 'So You Think You Can Dance'

jess — Thu, 22 Jun 2006 20:14:00 +0000

Mejack: I hate Heidi

Jess: Which one is she? The one who looks like Reese Witherspoon's younger sister?

Mejack: YES!

Jess: Oh, I love her.

Mejack: SHE'S SCARY.

Jess: I think she's sassy.

Mejack: I think she eats babies.

News, News and More News

jess — Wed, 26 Jul 2006 15:44:00 +0000

Put your reading glasses on, folks, it's going to be a long one…

Kellie Pickler signs with 19 Recordings/BNA, follows through on diabolical plan to publicly annoy Jess for all eternity. (WebWire)

Katharine McPhee co-produces play for the New York Fringe Festival. Jess and Curly buy tickets. Mejack mocks them. In other news, one shouldn't play sick to get out of an 'Idol' tour and expect that no one will notice they're co-producing a play. Just sayin'. (Playbill)

It's a good thing our economy is so stable and we have no wars to worry about, otherwise how would our president ever have time to hang out with the 'Idol' finalists? (USA Today)

Does anyone else think it's weird to play yourself in a movie about yourself? Fantasia Barrino doesn't, obviously. Personally, when Lifetime makes a movie about my life, I'm hoping for Kellie Martin. But that may just be me. (Hartford Courant)

An interview with Bo Bice. Apparently, you don't have to be a fucking potty mouth to throw a kickass rock n' roll show. (The Sun News)

Taylor Hicks visits sick woman. Jess refrains from making any jokes about Taylorepsy or what it means when Taylor Hicks is the person someone most wants to meet. (13 WHAM-TV)

Katharine McPhee will also brave illness to co-host 'The View' on Thursday. DVR that shit, Curly! (Reality TV Magazine)

Cingular Wireless had a hell of a fourth quarter thanks to 'Idol.' If you're into that sort of boring financial stuff (nerd), you can read the whole release, which comes to us courtesy of The Captain, our PR Whiz. For the rest of you slackers and illiterates, here's the important part:

Cingular shattered its own record for wireless text messaging during the fifth season of "American Idol." The company recorded more than 64.5 million text messages throughout the show's most recent season, breaking last year's record of 41.5 million text messages.

Hey Hey, Ho Ho. That Kellie Pickler's GOT TO GO

jess — Tue, 18 Jul 2006 16:36:00 +0000

As y'all probably know, 'The View' has been rotating in co-hosts since the departure of Star "The Ultimate Beast" Jones. Some of them are rumored to be auditions, as in the case of Brandy. Some, as in the former Brenda Walsh, not so much. Yesterday, that co-host was Kellie Pickler. Let's hope hers wasn't an audition. I didn't watch it, and You Tube is letting me down in a big way so I have no clips for you. Rosie O'Donnell, apparently, loves the Pickler. In fact, she even wrote a poem about it:

THAT KID
TODAY ON THE VIEW
PERFECTION!!!
TRIPLE LOVE HER

Via r blog.

And just for shits and giggles, there's the Pickler in her prom dress. Whore.

'Idol' Personality Report Card

curly mcdimple — Mon, 17 Jul 2006 14:32:00 +0000

I recently received an email containing pictures of some kids posing with the "American Idol" contestants at a post-performance meet-and-greet. Because of my superior journalistic instincts (read: I'm a nosy bitch), I followed up with the inevitable question: Are any of the Idols assholes? The answer I received was tres enlightening.

Naturally, I'm going to share my findings with you. I've even gone so far as to work the results into the well-worn report card format. Some of the grades I've doled out may surprise you.

Taylor Hicks: F
"Such a jerk. When asked for an autograph, he took the autograph book, turned his back on the kids, signed the book all while talking to some nearby women. He handed it back and that was it. When asked for a picture he agreed but he didn't even look at the kids."

Paris Bennett: D-
"Also standoffish."

Kellie Pickler: A
"Same as she appears on TV. We spoke with her for quite a while."

Chris Daughtry: A+
"So cute and nice. He told my daughter he loved her hair and when we saw him again about an hour later, he remembered her name. He remarked how cute she was and that he 'couldn't get over it.' He hugged her and we took another picture."

Ace Young: A
"So cute."

Bucky Covington: A
"A sweetheart."

Elliott Yamin: A
"Also cute and asked the kids how old they were and if they enjoyed the show."

Mandisa and Lisa Tucker: C
"OK but nothing great."

Katharine McPhee: Incomplete
Due to laryngitis, McPhee is sitting out this leg of the tour. Hmmm... I hear excessive vomiting can really wreak havoc on the throat, teeth and vocal cords. Just a thought...

Photo: CBS News

MACE ACE IN THE FACE!!

mejack — Fri, 14 Jul 2006 02:50:00 +0000

FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Ace was on the news for like 30 seconds and he still managed to completely piss me off.

Kevin Covais was playing "correspondent" for the local news and he was interviewing a few of the finalists. Bucky (*sigh*) was there and so was Paris and dumb Pickler. Whatever. Kevin went over to Ace and called him a babe-magnet and Ace the fucktard said:

"It's amazing. It's kind of like being in the Beatles. I leave the house not knowing if I am going to come home with all my clothes on."

Ace is like a Beatle. That's like me saying that my blog is like Tolstoy.

Jess, Curly -- stock up on tomatoes and stockpile any other thing that we can throw at the Lord of the Dumbasses. The self-proclaimed Ace The Face. AARRGGHH.

Even More 'Idol' Bits and Pieces

curly mcdimple — Thu, 13 Jul 2006 14:12:00 +0000

After a bit of a lull, we're back to bringing you more "American Idol" news than you can shake a stick at. Speaking of sticks, I wonder if I can sneak one into Nassau Coliseum this weekend to make short work of Taylor Hicks. Dilemma. Dilemma.

While I figure out the logistics, enjoy the latest headlines...

Elliott Yamin -- Revealed!
Who is Elliott's ideal duet partner? What junk food does he like to stuff into that cute little leprechaun-like face of his? Find out the answers to these probing questions and more.

Fourth Place Ain't Too Shabby for Chris Daughtry
While the chrome-domed "Idol" reject is still harping about his early ouster, at least Daughtry finally sees the silver lining in his dismissal: No more dopey Ford commercials, unlike that bitch Taylor Hicks. God, that "Possibilities" jingle he sings offends my senses. Yank it off the air. Now.

Is Katharine McPhee a Diva in Training?
Apparently, her fellow Idols think so. According to Rush & Malloy of the "New York Daily News," the second-place finisher has turned on the bitch switch. Whatevs, she's still hot.

Coming Soon to a Pedophile Watchlist Near You...
Daniel James "DJ" Boyd, a former "Idol" contestant (I do not remember him. Do you?) was just busted in Utah because he's a bit too fond o' the kiddie porn. If I may, I'd like to suggest bringing him up on further charges for the visual assault I suffered when I looked up his MySpace page. It's criminal.

Weigh in on Kelly Clarkson's Couture
Do you dig or dread the "Since You've Been Gone"-singing chanteuse's threads? Make your voice heard in the People.com poll.

Wouldn't You Like to be an 'Idol' Too?

jess — Wed, 12 Jul 2006 14:11:00 +0000

Of course you would. Which is why you should get yourself to an audition, post-haste. Me, I'm too old to be an 'American Idol,' what with the fact that I'm pushing 80 and all, so I can't wow you with the voice once likened to a stoned 12-year-old boy. Don't cry for me, America, because I'm going to the Idols Live Tour this Sunday! Me, Bucky and a couple of Colt 45s -- who knows what will happen?

Get thee to an audition!

And now, some news:

Chris Daughtry signs with 19 Recordings/RCA Records. America says, "Duh." Fuel shakes their collective fist at the heavens. Special thanks to our PR whiz for the tidbit, which we actually got days ago, or rather I did, and was too lazy to post. (PR Newswire)

Kelly Clarkson denies reports that she's about to lose a spokesperson deal with Vitamin Water because she's a big fatty. In other news, Kelly Clarkson is not, in fact, a big fatty. She does, however, dress herself like a fruitcake. (Some random site plus the almighty Fug)

Grandpa Pickler has a heart attack. For once, Jess refrains from making joke, because Clyde Pickler is quite possibly the sweetest man alive. (AP)

Regrading next season, TMZ has the following:

Meanwhile, "Idol" executive producer Nigel Lythgoe says that he's already working on getting Carole King and (oh dear) Andrew Lloyd Webber to appear as mentors to the next group of Idol finalists.

Because apparently, everyone else they wanted to get is actually dead.

McPhee's Got the McPhlegm

curly mcdimple — Fri, 07 Jul 2006 03:02:00 +0000

My favorite "American Idol" runner-up ever, the lovely Katharine McPhee, is already cashing in her sick days just in time for the kick-off of the "Idol" tour.

Naturally I wish KMcPhee a speedy recovery... primarily because I have a ticket to see her shake her bountiful ass on July 16 at Nassau Coliseum.

Seriously, toots, you best rest up. I ain't paying 50 smackers and schlepping out to Long Island just so's Kellie Pickler can burst my ear drums and Taylor Hicks can send me into a fit of hysterical blindness courtesy of his on-stage convulsions. Sorry... dancing.

So, get to healing! Otherwise, I'll demand a refund AND a private show. Actually, even if you do perform on the 16th, Kat, I still want my own private show anyway. And by "private show," I mean that I want to bang you. Repeatedly. Just be sure to leave your scary boyfriend at home. After all, he's old and decrepit and certainly not ready for THIS jelly.

Photo: FOX

'So You Think You Can Dance': The Recap

jess — Thu, 06 Jul 2006 14:21:00 +0000

Hi, I'm Dan Karaty. I'm short. Because I'm bitter about my small stature, I'm going to just openly hate on everyone for no good reason

Someone was in a wee bad mood last night. The man, not the mood. Here's a tip, Dan. If Nigel loved it and Mary Murphy screamed like a banshee, and you hated it, you're probably wrong. Can we just be done with Dan and put Cicely and Olisa in permanent rotation?

Some things I loved about last night that Mejack is sure to disagree with. I adore Heidi. I want her to sleep over my house, and I want to drink lots of Jolt and paint each other's toenails and look up ex-boyfriends on Myspace and make fun of their new girlfriends. She unleashed her inner funky white girl, and brought it last night. Also, I thoroughly enjoyed Brian Friedman's creepy doll routine. I thought Ashlee and Dmitry did a spectacular job with it, too. That's right, Dan Karaty. Suck it.

I really need to start watching the show in real time and not later on DVR. I watch it right smack in the middle of voting, and I seriously vote for everyone. I had to vote for Benji and Donyelle three times to make up for the fact that I voted for everyone else once. Ivan and Allison got two votes. In fact, the only people I didn't vote for last night are Jessica and Jaymz. Jessica, incidentally, bears more than your passing resemblance to Stephanie Klein, don't you think?

Predictions? I think Jessica and Jaymz are both going home tonight. Not that they're not good dancers, because they are. But they're a little lacking in the personality department. Or maybe they just got the Melissa McGhee treatment. I'm still bitter about Melissa McGhee, to tell you the truth. Homegirl got shafted on camera time. My other two couple predictions for the bottom three: Heidi and Ryan and Martha and Travis. That's right. I said Martha and Travis. Think I'm wrong? I'm never wrong. Okay, I'm often wrong, and I may even be wrong about this, but who knows? Watch and see.

My top two favorite dancers right now? Benji and Allison. But if Musa and Dmitry want to tag team me, and by tag team me I mean have lots of sex with me at the same time, in case you thought I was talking about touch football or some shit, then I'll gladly change my vote.

Apparently, Her Audition Blew Them Away

curly mcdimple — Fri, 30 Jun 2006 02:39:00 +0000

While "American Idol" may boast of the infamous auditions of William Hung, Crazy Dave Hoover and that hooker chick who kept cursing out Paula and showing us her snatch, I think this "Canadian Idol" hopeful takes top prize for most memorable audition ever.

Wow, not a single person on "American Idol" ever squeezed the cheese into a hot mic. Well done, oh flatulent neighbor to our north! Your country has outdone us again. First hockey, then my beloved hair schmutz and now this. Merci!

P.S. If any of you can chime in and let us know if the squeaky songstress made it through to the next round, we'd be most grateful.

Brandy Hates Burlesque People

curly mcdimple — Fri, 30 Jun 2006 02:27:00 +0000

I'm not a fan of the Brandy. The singer nor the beverage, in case you needed clarification. Although, that duet she did with Monica a few years back was kinda hot. But whatever, as a person, she's a tool.

Well, if I'm being honest, I never really gave her much thought prior to last week. Now that I'm watching "America's Got Talent" and have witnessed her antics as a judge? Girlfriend has found herself smack-dab in my bitchy cross-hairs. She has ratcheted high up on my list of people I loathe. She's getting into Taylor Hicks territory. That's serious.

I find her to be vapid, humorless and not the least bit interesting or entertaining. Actually, that pretty much sums up "America's Got Talent" as a whole, but whatever, I had the strep and I was bored so I watched again... and um, took stills with my camera. Shut up.

Lest you think I'm pulling my hatred out of thin air, I would like, if I may, to take you on a photographic journey on why I found Brandy so despicable this week...

Here we have the lovely Michelle L'amour doing a sassy-yet-safe-for-primetime burlesque number. I applauded her efforts.

Judging by the puss on Brandy's face, she did not...

I thought perhaps Brandy was concerned for the young'uns in the audience and was put off by Michelle's seductive strut on the otherwise family-friendly stage. I can understand if that were Brandy's concern. However! Allow me to present you all with Exhibit B, aka one of the members of Side Swipe, the... um... what were they exactly? Dance karate troupe? Whatever. They were the dudes who came on right after Michelle L'amour and flailed around the stage all shirtless and suggestive-like.

Heavens to Betsy! Certainly the morality marm of "America's Got Talent" won't stand for such filth on this program! Let's gauge her reaction!

What's this? Why, she looks pleased! Delighted, even. Oh, where oh where have Miss Brandy's delicate sensibilities gone? Why she looks happier than a pig in shit after having witnessed those dirty hooligans exposing their heaving, glistening, chiseled chests to the innocent eyes in the audience.

But what about the children, Brandy? What about the children?!

Now, don't get me wrong. Despite being one of the lezzies, I can -- and do -- still appreciate the male physique. Who am I to deny Brandy a wee tingle in her cooch? I will not block the taco. Ever. But, dude, what was up with that face (scroll up) when her fellow female bared a wee bit of skin? Methinks Brandy is a member in good standing of the He-Man Woman Haters Club. That's what methinks. In fact, Brandy, hand in your vagina! You're a disgrace and not fit to possess a beaver. You disgust me.

Michelle L'amour, on the other hand? Hand ME your vagina. Or let's have dinner first. Whichever. Call me.

McBinge or 'American Idol' Cures Eating Disorders

mejack — Thu, 22 Jun 2006 21:11:00 +0000

I suppose coming out with a deep, dark, tragic secret once the public has (for the most part) forgotten about you is NOT AT ALL a completely obvious way to get back in the spotlight.

Either that, or she is taking a stab at the Nicole Ritchie/Mary Kate Olsen method of gaining publicity...the only difference being their giant heads are literal while hers is only metaphorical.

You be the judge.

Paris Bennett Is Famous

mejack — Thu, 29 Jun 2006 13:31:00 +0000

She has to be. She made it onto The Almighty Fug.

Good for you Paris Bennett.

America's Got Talent? Really? Where?

curly mcdimple — Fri, 23 Jun 2006 18:32:00 +0000

Okay, so I finally got around to watching "America's Got Talent." Um, the show blows. Even though I promised you a weekly weigh-in, I don't know if I can provide snarky, informed commentary on such drivel. It was painful. It was quite possibly the most poorly-paced program I've ever had the misfortune to witness. "The Joy of Painting" looks positively frenetic in comparison.

Why, pray tell, do the judges have to voice their vote even after they've pressed their "Gong Show"-type buzzer? Doesn't that big red X (an audio and visual rip-off of the "Family Feud," if there ever was one. Sue the pants off them, Richard Dawson!) count as their "nay" vote? Why do we have to hear them blather on? It makes no sense and it just prolongs the torture. Stop it, producers of "America's Got Talent." Stop it right now.

I know Simon Cowell is one of the brains behind the program but the overlapping elements from "American Idol" are just too much. It's embarrassing. I mean, if you were going to rob from Peter to pay Paul, Simon, why didn't you at least lift some of the addictive entertainment value?!?!

Instead, we got the three judge format. First up, there's Piers, the snotty Brit; then there's Brandy, the washed-up, airheaded pop singer sandwiched between two penises. Brandy's dumber and duller than Paula. She actually makes me long for Paula. Bitch, you're making me long for Paula! What the fuck is wrong with you, Brandy?! I hate you.

And then, of course, there's David Hasselhoff, the complete retard with not an ounce of wit or irony. He's totally biting off Randy Jackson in this regard. Call your lawyer, Randy. He's stealing your act. And propensity for bad eyewear.

Speaking of The Hoff, what does this dude have against juggling? Boyfriend was downright hostile to all the jugglers. I don't love them myself but David was quite the douche about this particular talent. Um, I guess there's a joke about his balls in there somewhere but I'm too bored and disenchanted to go find it.

Oh and did you get a load of The Hoff's "dancing"? When the Rappin' Granny came on, he jumped up and flailed about emphasizing and punctuating his movements with an outward crotch thrust. It was rather menacing, if you ask me. I felt really violated. I might press charges, in fact.

I'm going to try to watch the show again. But I make no promises. That shit left me cranky. Well, crankier than usual.

Photo: Taken by moi. I snapped a picture of my TV while the show was on. Brandy looks demonic because of the blur but, well, I think it's appropriate and fair to portray her in such an unflattering and evil-looking light since she helped fritter away two valuable hours of my life. Fuck you, Brandy. You're the devil.